Inside an Abuser’s Mind

I saw this link on the CNN website and i just had to share it and pray that it will help someone.

We have all heard the stories or lived the stories of abuse and battery from the men (and women) that we have loved or continue to love.

The abuser never looks like we would expect him to. He is always clean shaven, hair cut short, helpful, got a good and supportive family, smiling eyes, calm and self assured demeanor. Not dirty fingernails, uncouth words in every sentence, jobless, unwashed body and many other disgusting things *insert description here*

Abuse can take many forms: emotional, physical, sexual, verbal, and mental.

Abuser

This guy, ‘Dylan’ even had a power and control wheel wow!

It shows tactics a man might use to gain leverage in a relationship, ways he may behave before resorting to physical or sexual violence. These are the less obvious, but insidious, means by which men keep women down. Red flags Dylan couldn’t identify back then.

Minimizing. Coercion. Male privilege. At first, the language sounds like over-intellectualized psychobabble. But soon I realize that the wheel represents everything I’d like to caution my nieces about before they go out into the world.

Dylan was in college when he met his first girlfriend. Early on, without even knowing her friends, he told her he didn’t like them. Isolation. Controlling who she sees.

When she came to his room later at night than he wanted, he locked the door — something he never did otherwise — and made her knock. He took his time answering to remind her who was boss. Male privilege. Acting like the “master of the castle.”

Fast forward to after college. He was living with a new girlfriend, “Isabelle,” in Atlanta. She might have had the better job, but he was the one who could drive. She has a disability and depended on him to get to work. He didn’t let her forget it. Threats. Making her feel guilty. The cloud of economic abuse; she could lose her job.

His boss treated him like an idiot, but Dylan felt he had to take it. Out in the world, it seemed like people walked all over him. So at home, Dylan exerted power in the only place he felt he could. He was making more money by then, he says, and had earned the right to “act like a man.” More male privilege. Defining their roles.

He criticized how she did her hair, what she wore, even the way she filled the dishwasher. Emotional abuse. Making her feel small and humiliated.

After reading the article, i took some messages from it:

It doesn’t  from nowhere. He must have seen it somewhere (maybe with his parents or uncles and aunts or older cousins)

It is a socialization that is taught knowingly or unknowingly.

We as role models to our kids, nephews and nieces, the neighbours’ kids; if we would not want our sons to grow up to be this abuser or be the abused, we must on a daily basis strive to be that which we want them to be. Simple.

Don’t want your daughter to be abused or your son to be arrested for abuse. Don’t stay in an abusive relationship.

I can hear you already “It’s easier said than done.”

The hardest thing for the abused to do is to leave the relationship, even when they know that they have a safe place waiting for them. I encourage you to make the first step, turn off your phone and take a deep breath.

Step by step, it will get easier. The universe will give you that which you need.

I commend “Dylan” for realising that he had a problem and taking the steps to correcting it or reigning it in. For Isabelle to still be in touch with him after going through that experience is to be commended too.

Here are few lessons I learned from my experience of abuse:

Don’t blame yourself for what has happened.

When being abused, we can often ignore what the person has done to us and think we are the fault. This is not the case at all. No one deserves to be abused.

Remember, it’s not you; it’s them.

Recognize your worth and value yourself.

Think about all of the things that make you great and use those characteristics to give you strength and motivation. If this is difficult, seek out support from a close friend, confidant, or someone who knows you well and can help you believe in yourself again.

Friends and close loved ones may be your saving grace and strongest form of support, especially if you are in need of encouragement or motivation to push forward.

Remember you are a human being who is worthy of being loved in a healthy way. Abuse is not love.

Challenge fears, negative self-talk, and doubts.

Fear is going to be your #1 enemy in trying to change anything in your life. Surround yourself with positive quotes, books, inspirational messages, and people who love you to get through.

Believe.

Believe in yourself and trust that you have a life purpose here. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Be aware of who you fall in love and become friends with.

As a survivor of abuse, I found that I would attract people who had qualities similar to my parents. It’s easy to fall for and attract people who will be or feel familiar to the past.

After getting out of an abusive situation, the last thing you would think to happen or want is another abusive experience. However, this is common and happens often.

I found that intense and frequent therapy sessions helped me to identify key beliefs about myself linked to being abused. These beliefs were things such as fear of being judged, low self-esteem, and not knowing what a healthy relationship should be like.

Read more here.

Positive vibrations to you.

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