Deep breaths

A friend and I have been..talking and making suggestions.. And last week we took the plunge and..
As with all things the beginning is slippery.
We made mistakes. As mistakes go, on the beginning is where most of them occur.
As with all mistakes, that is how we learn.
Now he wants to give it all up. Wow, that was fast. Not too sure about yourself, are you Sir?

He says it’s because he’s made  the same mistakes in the past. He sees the same thing happening.
It kills me. I see how he could be scared and scarred by the past. Who isn’t?
It kills me that he won’t even try and put it behind him. Try and forgive us our mistakes.

I feel like I’m grieving. Going through the 5 stages of grief.
I’ve negotiated, bargained but he still thinks or should end. 
I wonder should I pretend to agree and then bide my time?
Or respect his wishes though it is killing me?
I was not (still am not) in love but I was beginning to feel awake. Alive.. For once to be able to talk with someone and there is no awarkwardness just…
Now I feel awkward, sad and a little bit broken.
On the other hand, one could argue that at least he ended things early instead of leading me on. My gut would probably be ringing alarm bells as I ignore them. He deserves credit for being honest.

But what to do but accept his decision, his terms.
We all have to walk our different paths in this world.
Heartbeat to heartbeat.
Breath to breath.

Side note: This is the kind of thing that can send me off the edge. I’ve been fighting to hold on and not scream. Gone on long runs but still I feel it in the middle of my chest. I don’t know what to do to let it out.
I know I can’t outrun it, there’s no point trying.
Help somebody..?

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